Grieving Differently After TFMR: Learning to Support and Reconnect as a Couple After A Termination for Medical Reasons
“My partner doesn’t want to talk. He just wants to act like it never happened.”
“She doesn’t understand I’m hurting.”
“I feel like my husband is angry at me for still crying and being so sad.”
“I feel so alone.”
These are all quotes I have heard from individuals in relationships after ending a wanted pregnancy.
Grief after a termination for medical reasons (TFMR) is not only deeply personal, it can feel incredibly isolating, even when you're grieving alongside your partner. You may find yourselves navigating the same heartbreaking event, yet feeling worlds apart in how you experience and express that grief.
The distancing and misunderstandings that can take place in the wake of this kind of agonizing loss can make even the strongest couples feel disconnected.
However, here is the reality: Grief doesn’t have to come between you. It can bring you together.
The secret is compassion, communication, and respecting the way each of you deals with grief, pain and loss.
Grief Looks Different for Each Person
In grieving after a TFMR, one partner may cry openly while another may express no outward emotion. One partner may want to talk about what happened, while another partner wants to minimize focus on the loss. One partner may feel unable to cope with daily life, while another may attempt to stay busy and move into caretaker role of the other. Neither is wrong. They are both just different reactions to grief.
When we grieve differently, we can often perceive the other as not being supportive or the other “not doing it right.” Understanding how each mourns and expresses grief can soften misunderstanding and change perspective of the partner’s behaviors, leading to more connection and support.
Communication Challenges: When Talking Feels Too Difficult
Some couples struggling after TFMR find it difficult to talk about how they're doing. Why?
Fear of upsetting or burdening the other
Shame or guilt about their choice
Not knowing what to say or where to start
But not discussing it likely makes the chasm worse. It's okay if the words get mangled and are imperfect. The key is for each partner to create a space where the other can feel seen and heard.
Societal Pressures and Gendered Grief
Cultural expectations often govern the way people think they "should" grieve. Men might feel they need to be strong or stoic. Women might fault themselves for grieving too much—or not enough.
These roles can create distance and leave both partners feeling unsupported. By acknowledging and challenging unhelpful pressures, couples can begin to write a more compassionate grief narrative together..
The Path to Understanding and Reconnection After Ending A Wanted Pregnancy
While grief after a TFMR might challenge even the healthiest loving relationships, it is definitely possible to heal together. The path forward most often includes:
Open communication, even when it feels uncomfortable
Mutual respect for each other's grieving styles
Openness to hear without judgment
Therapist guidance, as necessary
Healing Together After TFMR℠: You're Not Alone in This
Grieving differently doesn't mean your love is broken. It means you are human—and healing in the way your heart knows how.
You and your partner can become closer as a result of this loss. With empathy, conversation, and support, you and your partner can begin to redevelop your relationship in the wake of heartbreak.
If you feel you may need a bit of extra guidance and support as you navigate this grief, feel free to reach out about Healing Together After TFMR℠, short-term structured couples counseling to help process the grief in ways that allow for better communication and understanding not just about the loss, but also about your fertility journey moving forward.